in japanese "utsukushii" 美しい means beautiful and lends itself to the written word. beauty moves me in the tears of a friend, fills me in the color of the sky, and delights me in the laughter of my mother and the questions of children. i long to see and to be 美しい and hope this seeing and being delight my God.
Thursday, October 29
two new books
Monday, October 12
pixar's "Up"
Thursday, October 8
the country of marriage
and in that opening a house,
an orchard and garden,
comfortable shades, and flowers
red and yellow in the sun, a pattern
made in the light for the light to return to.
and garden in the light,
but the forest is equally part of the beauty of this country.
Saturday, August 22
tears come in the quiet
quiet, hush.
the magical stillness of a starry night,
the silent awe of sacred ceremony,
the look between lover and beloved
pushes down the words and invites wonder.
but no, not that quiet,
not that hush.
a break from the bustle that characterized
her days. forced rest. long hours of quiet.
she anticipated cries, but not hers.
arms intended to comfort now empty.
the hush of
quiet sadness.
days peppered with friends,
but quiet sadness served as the main course.
surrounded by quiet she heard things before
muffled if they sounded at all.
hush, listen.
the breeze brushes the sheers
as the wind brings them to life. footsteps
crunch the gravel under the mailbox,
and the post lid creaks before its filling.
hush, there's more
to hear.
pattering rain suddenly shifts
to pounding hail just for a moment.
distant thunder rolls and the
leaves shiver in anticipation.
listen.
her chatter belies the undercurrent
of pain. in the quiet when she
cannot speak, the lost creek
emerges fuller than she knew.
quiet yourself.
in this clearing, don't rush ahead.
all space needs not filling.
for tears come in the quiet,
and there is beauty here.
hush.
Monday, May 25
fleeting

but to hear of and to experience sakura,
or perhaps anything, are worlds apart.
the japanese eagerly track the blooms
from the early deep colored petals of the southern islands
to the later pale approaching the mainland.
certain trees hold local fame and charm
elderly limbs supported with crutches
carry the weight of streaming pink flush.
parties and picnics, called hanami,
two words enmeshed - "flower" and "to see"
young and old sit under the showering petals.
from barren winter pink life seems to
suddenly appear on the naked trees
clothing them in pregnant fullness.
within a fortnight as quickly as they came,
the trees can hold this new life no more
and petals are shed to line the streets.
green shade leaves take their place
a new season is promised,
but the days remain chilly a bit longer.
like nothing else i know, sakura speaks
of all things fleeting and gone almost as
quickly as they come - spring, beauty, a life.
flourishing like a flower of the field
the wind blows over it and it is gone,
its place remembers it no more.
but from everlasting to
everlasting the LORD's love is
with those who fear Him.
Saturday, April 25
being sick
being sick levels the playing field.on monday i came down with a no-name virus. it doesn't carry quite the sympathy of strep or the flu, but it kept me on the couch for a week and my throat still hurts. each morning i woke early to write lesson plans only to discover that i was supremely exhausted, and had to rest again. and that was how each day went, teaching the accomplisher within to settle down and chill.
a reminder that said, "no, you can't do this on your own. you can't get everything done. and yes, let people help you." so went the week, with colleagues helping in numerous ways at work in my absence, and scott tenderly helping me at home.
its hard to be sick, to face a truth that is easier to ignore when we are well. that is that we are limited creatures greatly in need of help.
by thursday i had improved enough to read, so i embarked on lewis' the last battle. i never realized that it won the carnegie award, the highest honor for british children's literature. i hadn't read it since
childhood myself, but quickly became caught up in lewis' story of the world's end and the fight of the remaining faithful to Who they knew to be true while so many others were tricked or deceived. revelation come alive.though king tirian and his unicorn, jewel, weren't sick, they found themselves in great need and cried out to the God he'd never seen and yet believed for help.
and help came.
and hope came.
Sunday, March 29
the maytrees and me
his choice? redemption ark by alastair reynolds. it is classified as a "hard science fiction space opera novel".
despite various conversations about the book as he is reading it, i still can't quite grasp this genre. is it really possible that those 5 adjectives really describe a type of novel? space opera. those two together raise the most questions. needless to say, marriage continues to open my eyes to many wonders that i previously failed to know even existed. my husband enjoys his read, as he encounters various characters not just of the human persuasion with each new chapter. new words escape his lips for which i require definitions. i learn that a "conjoiner" is a human with technology giving them extraordinary possibilities. (my only term of reference? x-men.) the story also touches on political commentary and a few main characters that have become prominent and caught my husaband's interest. i see the science fiction, and yes the location is space, but where exactly is the opera?

my book of choice? the maytrees by annie dillard. what satisfaction to completely read a book within a week's time. what a delight to spend my time reading something written so well that i am caught up into not only the plot, but the beauty of words, attentiveness to the stars and sea, and the internal worlds of the characters. this story spanning a lifetime reads like poetry. the book initially caught my eye because it was about a marriage; it opens in post-WWII Cape Cod with a couple falling in love and soon marrying then living amidst their artistic friends.
so i bought it, not wanting to know anymore, and saved it for our trip. i happily lingered over the first chapters and halfway through found myself devastated. but hope came, as it often does. the poet-husband toby, referred to as maytree, continually pondered the question of what love is. beauty permeated his wife lou. both maytree and lou came into a more profound understanding of themselves alone and in relationship to each other with the passage of time, need and grace. perhaps a bit like love itself, the maytrees drew me in with its beauty, surprised me with its pain, and challenged me at its depth.
knowing i wanted to finish the book before we returned home, my own loving husband put his book down and read to me the last chapter of mine. and better still than any novel (best science fiction novel of the year or even pullitzer-prize novelist) is the the real-time poetic love my husband offers me.
Saturday, February 28
lent bothers me
on wednesday we wore ashes
a black cross of dust
that i kept smudging
bothered my eyes.
standing and kneeling
in an unfamiliar place
being reminded of my death
bothered me too.
no morning edition
no all things considered
distracted prayer
the silence bothered me.
talk of loneliness
purpose still unknown
lacking usual comforts
lent bothers me.
bothersome discomfort
pain and patterns revealed
holes become apparent
Jesus come and fill me.
lent bothers me,
and
this lent is good.
Sunday, February 15
two moons
the image lingers in my mind.
the setting? mars
the book? martian chronicles by ray bradbury
yes...it is science-fiction.
no...i never would have read it on my own, but it was in the bathroom, and i have trouble resisting pages of print.
now we are reading it together.
"scott- does mars really have two moons?" i ask, knowing that despite the fact that i am teaching astronomy and he isn't, my science minded husband will know the answer.
"yes," he replies and then adds, "phobos and....deimos, which mean fear and dread."
this is marriage...the marriage of two minds, two people. completely different histories and interests, but the two met and enjoyed the gifts the other brought to the table.
pride and prejudice meets martian chronicles. instead of two lovers set in the victorian england, i (the reader) find myself amidst various astronauts venturing into the planet mars where the martians are highly unimipressed and uniterested in the proud men from a much less sophisticated planet called earth.
the similarities are greater than i ever suspected.
so now the histories become entangled, the interests merge. a love of reading takes a new wife into her virgin voyage of sci-fi where she finds not only a story, but sees her husband in greater dimensions.
i'll keep reading.
Saturday, January 24
sweet evening
day's work complete
a meal made and shared
dinner dishes drying
time is ripe for picking
hands pass across the face
the moments wait for none
companion for life
so near we share this sacred space
yet at uneven pace
she eyes closing dreams begin
he wide awake, mind at work
but as dark falls toward sleep he goes
then she rises, woken within
soberly missing time with him
january evening
full of promise and light
for a moment the pause seems long
dusk's sun lingering
then into dark soon vanishing
Wednesday, December 31
on this last day of 2008

REFLECTIONS:
In 2008
I grew most in…letting go of fear (though its mostly just the roots growing underground in this growth department, but growth none the less.)
Another way I saw myself growing was…seeing the futility of an ulitmatum.
One of my best adventures was…falling in love.
I saw/knew God was doing something when…the fear fell away and in the words of Sara Groves "something changed".
A real gift from God was…(is) the companionship of life together with Scott in marriage.
Something I really enjoyed doing more of was…kissing. ;)
One of the happiest memories of 2008 I’d like to freeze in my mind…so many to choose from! But I would have to say, (1) one of the happiest was walking into church on April 20th, and seeing Scott worship the Lord with all of his being. In that moment I knew that I desired to spend my life beside this man and no other.
(2) Walking down the aisle and back and seeing so many incredible people who have loved me throughout my life and who blessed Scott and I by coming to our wedding.
I was really brave when…???
Something I’ve grieved about this year was…the deep wounds my friend is bravely and honestly facing while holding on to hope.
I’m still trying to learn what God wants to teach me through this hard experience…attempting to make a difference in the life of a student severely below grade level.
The best word of advice or encouragement I can remember is…from a wise woman at my shower who has been married for 25+ years. She said, "When your husband says something that can be interpreted two ways, choose to interpret it the better way."
One thing I’m looking forward to in 2009 is…learning what it means to be a fun wife, hiking more often, and hopefully snowshoeing!
Monday, December 1
betting the farm
just over 2 weeks ago, scott and i vowed our lives to each other for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, till we are parted by death. weighty promises, as they should be. the wedding deserves its own post, but i can't seem to capture it in this space. it is set apart as a day when we found ourselves surrounded by all of these amazing people we call our friends, family and community, who came to stand with us as we made these vows, to witness our ceremony and to celebrate with us afterwards. pictures and words can only offer glimpses into the love, hope and blessing that i felt covered and surrounded by.
almost a year ago, i was still deeply weighing this decision to enter into a deeper relationship with scott. as i sought the wisdom of many friends, counselors and authors, one image took up residence in my mind. the author described marriage akin to "betting the farm", meaning that two people making such promises is a huge, risky jump into the unknown. further they went on to suggest that when making vows like those written above, no one can really know what they are promising to. the future remains uncertain. like betting the farm (one's entire life), the expansiveness of the endeavor can't be underestimated, however the people doing the betting had better have a pretty good idea that they are betting on something solid.
it was this idea that helped me realize that if i did want to enter into the realm of marriage, i too would have to take that jump. a few months later, God freed me from the fears holding me back and opened my eyes to see that indeed scott was the man with whom i wanted to "bet the farm". so bet we did, trusting that as we have jumped into the unknown, God will carry us.
Friday, October 10
showered!
two sunday afternoons ago, a few astounding women whom i consider it a gift to count among my friends showered me lavishly with beauty, delicious food, gifts, and time with so many people i love to celebrate my upcoming marriage to scott.
(below: jeanette, wendy, kira & heather)family and friends surrounded me with their presence, laughter and conversation. my friend laura from church opened up her picturesque downtown victorian home to host the party, and the four hostesses thought of every detail.
the table was laden with gorgeous roses, savory bites of bruschetta, olives, various cheeses and crackers. and then i had to get a second plate to hold dessert! and the roses stole the show.
like the day, the weather gave its best warm fall showing with a clear blue colorado sky--truly idyllic.
for the sweet tooth, there were scones and cream, a mouth-watering italian lemon cake, tiered cupcakes and strawberries, and oh so much more. (above: lisa, laura & brooks)
weddings bring not only two people, but two families together. here i am with my mom and my mom-to-be, scott's mom, nancy ott.
its so funny how at certain events or times in your life the rules change. at what other moment in your life do your friends throw you a party just to give you cute underwear? similarly, at a shower it is considered completely normal for friends and family to help you set up your home and kitchen for you! such moments are short lived, so i will relish in them.
sign reads: "Hope you have a good life with Scott.- Love, Abby"
(me too)
Wednesday, August 6
welcome to seattle
spice girls reunion- part 2. sarah caz welcomed holly & i to her cute westlake seattle abode. we enjoyed playing in the park and then a tasty lunch at her local diner on lake union. as mars hill student body prez and student, she keeps busy, but made time for us!
scott and i had a phenomenol time! being engaged made it sparkle, no doubt, but the time with old friends for me, and new for him was rich for us both. kristy & todd made us feel right at home even with a 6 week old new to their world. Friday, July 25
Engaged!
Not wanting the mystery to end, Scott would not tell Beth where they were going to dinner until it became quite obvious that they were headed straight for the Broadmoor!
They arrived at 7pm and everything was covered in evening sunlight. Hanging baskets and daylilies offered their blooms, swans glided across the lake and Scott ushered Beth through the gorgeous grounds to the South Tower where we headed up to the Penrose Room. The "Ott Party" was seated at a corner table by a wall of windows with a view of the lake and the mountains at sunset.Wednesday, July 16
the duty of liberty
http://www.hbo.com/films/johnadams/
wow.
i'm still feeling sick from the tumultous sea voyage from massachusettes to paris.
and for all of my idealism about conserving, writing letters with pen & paper, growing one's own food and not using the a/c, i found myself quite distressed by the vividly harsh realities of 1777 living, travel, illness and difficulty of communication. i feel incredibly thankful for warm houses, running water, airplanes that make international travel quick by comparison, email and telephones.
so far the mini-series has offered this beautiful portrayal of the love, friendship and mutual listening and respect between husband and wife through john and abigail adams. yet even this amazing love could not keep john from his duty to his country in the making. such duty which continued as he became the 2nd president of the United States of America.
as he said, "Our obligations to our country never cease but with our lives."
obligation. duty. true patriotism.
duty seems such a foreign word to america now, and yet the founding fathers made immense sacrifices in its name. in his own words,
"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain."
and here 200 years later i have such rights to study anything i may desire because men and women like john and abigail adams chose duty over their own personal interests. because great men used their power and influence to write lasting documents like the Declaration of Independence and our Constitution which speak of the equality of humankind and trust in a Sovereign God, my life and freedom are protected in numerous ways.
but i live with this gift and forget the sacrifice so many made on my behalf. i may take a few moments here or there to consider my government, especially in an election year, but feel little obligation.
i'm thankful for this reminder of the duty of liberty.
as i enjoy the benefits may i not forget the shedding of blood, prayer and tears that made it so.
Thursday, July 10
read aloud
my friend recently returned from a 2-week stint at l'Abri in minnesota where she "detoxed from all things electronic" and enjoyed the gentle rythm of work, study and community. while there, she enjoyed this simple form of evening entertainment and initiated this evening of a read aloud.
several hours and chapters later, i walked away enriched. enriched by the power of a story and the glimpse into lives lived well. unlike the end of a movie where the transition back to reality feels jolting, i easily slipped back into my own life and thoughts, though my imagination was awakened to beautiful scenes and images conjured up by simply good writing.
who knew all this could be found in a read aloud?
Tuesday, July 8
the 6th of july - for the love of freedom & fireworks
"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new guards for their future security — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. — The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States...."
Thursday, July 3
das leben der anderen
"das leben der anderen" brought to my attention the harsh austerity and the exacting, lifeless existance of stasi infomers like captain gerd wiesler embedded in the secret world of the german secret police. in that world, trust seemed an impossibility. but amidst the normalcy of betrayal, trust surprisingly emerged. and out of lifelessness, hope quietly surfaced without glory or fame, and only a fingerprint to its name. though mercy may appear weak, it holds the power of redemption.








