on this last day of 2008

on friday afternoons before i leave school, i try to clean off the whiteboard in my 6th grade classroom. i don't just mean wipe it off, but actually clean it so that it gleams white and the new week can begin fresh the following monday. a new year feels like that to me. the old one with its laughable moments, delicious memories. tear streaked days, and ah-ha moments has finally come to an end. and instead of being mundane, the cycle of another year offers hope of trying again, and maybe getting a couple of things right this time aroud. someone sent the following questions my way along with thoughts toward goal setting as well. i think i need to start here.


REFLECTIONS:

In 2008

I learned to…trust God more and Scott too.

I grew most in…letting go of fear (though its mostly just the roots growing underground in this growth department, but growth none the less.)

Another way I saw myself growing was…seeing the futility of an ulitmatum.

One of my best adventures was…falling in love.

I saw/knew God was doing something when…the fear fell away and in the words of Sara Groves "something changed".

A real gift from God was…(is) the companionship of life together with Scott in marriage.

Something I really enjoyed doing more of was…kissing. ;)

One of the happiest memories of 2008 I’d like to freeze in my mind…so many to choose from! But I would have to say, (1) one of the happiest was walking into church on April 20th, and seeing Scott worship the Lord with all of his being. In that moment I knew that I desired to spend my life beside this man and no other.
(2) Walking down the aisle and back and seeing so many incredible people who have loved me throughout my life and who blessed Scott and I by coming to our wedding.

I was really brave when…???

Something I’ve grieved about this year was…the deep wounds my friend is bravely and honestly facing while holding on to hope.

I’m still trying to learn what God wants to teach me through this hard experience…attempting to make a difference in the life of a student severely below grade level.

The best word of advice or encouragement I can remember is…from a wise woman at my shower who has been married for 25+ years. She said, "When your husband says something that can be interpreted two ways, choose to interpret it the better way."

One thing I’m looking forward to in 2009 is…learning what it means to be a fun wife, hiking more often, and hopefully snowshoeing!

betting the farm

just over 2 weeks ago, scott and i vowed our lives to each other for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, till we are parted by death. weighty promises, as they should be. the wedding deserves its own post, but i can't seem to capture it in this space. it is set apart as a day when we found ourselves surrounded by all of these amazing people we call our friends, family and community, who came to stand with us as we made these vows, to witness our ceremony and to celebrate with us afterwards. pictures and words can only offer glimpses into the love, hope and blessing that i felt covered and surrounded by.

almost a year ago, i was still deeply weighing this decision to enter into a deeper relationship with scott. as i sought the wisdom of many friends, counselors and authors, one image took up residence in my mind. the author described marriage akin to "betting the farm", meaning that two people making such promises is a huge, risky jump into the unknown. further they went on to suggest that when making vows like those written above, no one can really know what they are promising to. the future remains uncertain. like betting the farm (one's entire life), the expansiveness of the endeavor can't be underestimated, however the people doing the betting had better have a pretty good idea that they are betting on something solid.

it was this idea that helped me realize that if i did want to enter into the realm of marriage, i too would have to take that jump. a few months later, God freed me from the fears holding me back and opened my eyes to see that indeed scott was the man with whom i wanted to "bet the farm". so bet we did, trusting that as we have jumped into the unknown, God will carry us.

showered!

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." -Mignon McLaughlin

two sunday afternoons ago, a few astounding women whom i consider it a gift to count among my friends showered me lavishly with beauty, delicious food, gifts, and time with so many people i love to celebrate my upcoming marriage to scott.
(below: jeanette, wendy, kira & heather)

family and friends surrounded me with their presence, laughter and conversation. my friend laura from church opened up her picturesque downtown victorian home to host the party, and the four hostesses thought of every detail.

the table was laden with gorgeous roses, savory bites of bruschetta, olives, various cheeses and crackers. and then i had to get a second plate to hold dessert! and the roses stole the show.

like the day, the weather gave its best warm fall showing with a clear blue colorado sky--truly idyllic.

for the sweet tooth, there were scones and cream, a mouth-watering italian lemon cake, tiered cupcakes and strawberries, and oh so much more. (above: lisa, laura & brooks)

family and friends surrounded me with love, words of wisdom and laughter. and then there were the gifts! i felt overwhelmed at the outpouring of things for my new home and life with scott...and for the fun gifts with which to enter marriage. what a gift to be so abundantly surrounded and upheld--i wouldn't want to enter a marriage any other way.

weddings bring not only two people, but two families together. here i am with my mom and my mom-to-be, scott's mom, nancy ott.

its so funny how at certain events or times in your life the rules change. at what other moment in your life do your friends throw you a party just to give you cute underwear? similarly, at a shower it is considered completely normal for friends and family to help you set up your home and kitchen for you! such moments are short lived, so i will relish in them.

sign reads: "Hope you have a good life with Scott.- Love, Abby"
(me too)

welcome to seattle

scott and i took our first trip together to seattle to see meet friend who are more like family than friends...kristy and todd. along the way, scott was introduced to washington as well.

todd, kristy, abby & wyatt took us to pike's market downtown. after delicious seafood at lowell's overlooking the sound, we walked to the original starbucks and did as one does in seattle- had some coffee. later we strolled around downtown, enjoying the views and taking a peek at the park where todd & kristy were engaged!
spice girls reunion- part 2. sarah caz welcomed holly & i to her cute westlake seattle abode. we enjoyed playing in the park and then a tasty lunch at her local diner on lake union. as mars hill student body prez and student, she keeps busy, but made time for us! thanks, caz!

holly. elliot & simon drove all the way from portland just to meet scott and hang out. elliot discovered free blackberries and simon realized that hydrangeas don't exactly taste great. (could these boys be any more like their mother?) can't wait to meet baby G!

later that afternoon, todd , kristy and the kids met us at the ferry where we enjoyed the sea breeze along the way to bainbridge island.
on bainbridge, we walked around the cute town, enjoyed more coffee, found a local shop that served fresh pasta and had dinner together. abby and her auntie bb drank in the beauty of the flowers in bloom everywhere - especially these gorgeous green hydrangeas.

"uncle scott" enjoyed his new role and fell in love with wyatt & abby, too. whoever knew this man was such a natural with little ones?

and our trip wouldn't have been complete without spending some time with kristy's wonderful parents, pam and george. they took us to lunch at steamer's in tacoma (yet again, on the water!) and we lingered by the seaside and at the park afterwards.

scott and i had a phenomenol time! being engaged made it sparkle, no doubt, but the time with old friends for me, and new for him was rich for us both. kristy & todd made us feel right at home even with a 6 week old new to their world.

the joy of being together everyday, great conversations with good friends, sweet kids and washington's beauty all added up to one of the best trips we've had.

thanks to each of you who made it so.

Engaged!

AP (Colorado Springs)

July 24th, 2008

Beth arrived home on Thursday afternoon to find a card waiting for her. Inside was a note from Scott which said that she had a 2pm appointment at a specified address. Curious and unsure, she drove to the address mentioned. Upon her arrival she discovered that her appointment was a massage and facial! What a treat!

After being pampered and totally relaxed, she headed home. She stepped into the kitchen to find these beautiful red roses and another card waiting for her.

The card held beautiful words and a sweet note written by Scott. At the end it said, "I'll see you at 6:30pm." So Beth dressed for dinner and a little while later, Scott arrived wearing his 3 piece suit!

Not wanting the mystery to end, Scott would not tell Beth where they were going to dinner until it became quite obvious that they were headed straight for the Broadmoor!

(The Broadmoor is a historical landmark in Colorado Springs that is also one of the loveliest hotel/resorts in the city. http://www.broadmoor.com/) They arrived at 7pm and everything was covered in evening sunlight. Hanging baskets and daylilies offered their blooms, swans glided across the lake and Scott ushered Beth through the gorgeous grounds to the South Tower where we headed up to the Penrose Room. The "Ott Party" was seated at a corner table by a wall of windows with a view of the lake and the mountains at sunset.

Once seated, Beth and Scott were treated like royalty. They were served a delicious and beautifully arranged 3 course dinner. Beth enjoyed the Colorado lamb, while Scott dined on filet mignon.

About two bites into dinner, the sunset became too brilliant to ignore and all kinds of light and color played on the mountains in front of them. Beth commented on the beauty God had made and to her surprise, Scott was suddenly on one knee.

Scott expressed his love for Beth and as he was talking opened a small white box which held a sparkling diamond ring. Then he asked her to marry him. She said, "Yes! With all my heart." The two were all smiles and the wait staff came by to congratulate them. After dinner the waiter said that the live jazz band would like to play them a song. Scott and Beth danced to "Come Away with Me" by Norah Jones and many other couples joined them. Then many of the guests clapped for and congratulated them.

Arriving back at their table, the waiter served this dessert! And Scott and Beth delighted in the celebration. The left the restaurant and took some time to walk around the lake, revelling in the fact that they would soon be starting life together!! After Scott brought Beth home, he thanked God for all that He had done in their lives to this point, and prayed for the days to come.

Beth was astounded at what a beautiful ring Scott chose for her that suits her so well.

Before leaving the Broadmoor, Scott and Beth took a few pictures on the balcony in the lamplight.

They are engaged!!!

the duty of liberty

i just finished part 3 of the john adams movie created by hbo based upon the biography with the same title by david mccullough.
http://www.hbo.com/films/johnadams/

wow.

i'm still feeling sick from the tumultous sea voyage from massachusettes to paris.

and for all of my idealism about conserving, writing letters with pen & paper, growing one's own food and not using the a/c, i found myself quite distressed by the vividly harsh realities of 1777 living, travel, illness and difficulty of communication. i feel incredibly thankful for warm houses, running water, airplanes that make international travel quick by comparison, email and telephones.

so far the mini-series has offered this beautiful portrayal of the love, friendship and mutual listening and respect between husband and wife through john and abigail adams. yet even this amazing love could not keep john from his duty to his country in the making. such duty which continued as he became the 2nd president of the United States of America.

as he said, "Our obligations to our country never cease but with our lives."

obligation. duty. true patriotism.

duty seems such a foreign word to america now, and yet the founding fathers made immense sacrifices in its name. in his own words,

"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain."

and here 200 years later i have such rights to study anything i may desire because men and women like john and abigail adams chose duty over their own personal interests. because great men used their power and influence to write lasting documents like the Declaration of Independence and our Constitution which speak of the equality of humankind and trust in a Sovereign God, my life and freedom are protected in numerous ways.

but i live with this gift and forget the sacrifice so many made on my behalf. i may take a few moments here or there to consider my government, especially in an election year, but feel little obligation.

i'm thankful for this reminder of the duty of liberty.
as i enjoy the benefits may i not forget the shedding of blood, prayer and tears that made it so.

read aloud

last night three friends and i gathered in a cozy, light-filled living room to enjoy the simple pleasure of one good book. and literally, just that. this was not a story acted on stage or adapted for screenplay, but instead a single copy of Little House on the Prarie by Laura Ingalls Wilder passed from person to person while the rest of us listened intently. together we were awed at the courage of the early settlers, savored the beautiful descriptions of the high prarie sights and sounds, grieved the loss of the Ingall's dog, Jack, and later delighted in his return. we laughed heartily at Ma's mild responses which conveyed so much more than she ever said, Pa's colloquialisms and Laura's curious questions.

my friend recently returned from a 2-week stint at l'Abri in minnesota where she "detoxed from all things electronic" and enjoyed the gentle rythm of work, study and community. while there, she enjoyed this simple form of evening entertainment and initiated this evening of a read aloud.

several hours and chapters later, i walked away enriched. enriched by the power of a story and the glimpse into lives lived well. unlike the end of a movie where the transition back to reality feels jolting, i easily slipped back into my own life and thoughts, though my imagination was awakened to beautiful scenes and images conjured up by simply good writing.

who knew all this could be found in a read aloud?

the 6th of july - for the love of freedom & fireworks

In Congress, July 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new guards for their future security — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. — The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States...."

(It continues on to list evidence of the King's injuries toward the colonies.)

With each passing year, I find great comfort that the writers of our Constitution found the fact "that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights" to be self-evident. I hope our nation continues to find them so. My Dad often reminded me of this with our annual front yard fireworks, folding of the flag and saying the pledge- hand over heart in the broad afternoon daylight to my teenage embarrassment. However, I now say the pledge with pride, thankful for the legacy my Dad gave me.

two of my favorite pyros getting us ready!

the joy of sparklers, even for those over 21

scott lighting up the street with a "ninja stick"

scott's roommate brandon -
the new statue of liberty?

scott, beth & kira celebrating freedom & fireworks-

making new traditions out of old ones.

das leben der anderen

like HGW XVII, i too found myself drawn into the life of east german playwright georg dreyman in "the lives of others" (2007 academy award winner for best foreign language film). although the fall of the berlin wall felt significant to me as a 7th grade student in 1989, raised amidst freedom and the abundance of questions, i hardly comprehend the life change brought about by the falling wall and the death of "1984" on november 9th, 1989.

"das leben der anderen" brought to my attention the harsh austerity and the exacting, lifeless existance of stasi infomers like captain gerd wiesler embedded in the secret world of the german secret police. in that world, trust seemed an impossibility. but amidst the normalcy of betrayal, trust surprisingly emerged. and out of lifelessness, hope quietly surfaced without glory or fame, and only a fingerprint to its name. though mercy may appear weak, it holds the power of redemption.

ye olde renaissance festival

the lord and lady

"cast in bronze" played his haunting 4 ton bell instrument,

one of only 5 like it in the world.

wilsom, the wild fire breather amazing us with his stunts

scott's friend kevin with scott & me

(fireball compliments of wilsom)

redeeming the word "wench", here dressed in her proper raiment.

According to Merriam-Webster, a wench is a young woman or female servant. Etymology: Middle English wenche, short for wenchel child, from Old English 14th C.

(but you won't catch me working in these lovely clothes!)

scott and i enjoying sunset in larkspur on the way home.

scott and his friends have enjoyed the colorado renaissance festival for many years, however this was my first time to experience the medieval day. the festival actually stays in larkspur for 6 weeks or so before moving on to other states that host as well. saturday was overcast, and though we would have loved a blue sky, the cloud cover cooled our day. scott introduced me to "mead", a honey beer that was quite tasty, steak on a stake, and the sights of the festival. whenever we went to a vendor, they would address us with an accented, "what would the lord and lady like?" and if a tip was given, a shout went up, "tip, tip!" and the other servers shouted along, "huzzah!" many visitors dress the part, and scott had encouraged me to try on an outfit, so i did. but we both like it so well, he offered it as a gift from the lord to the lady, and she accepted. there was plenty to watch and see- live stage acts, comedy, knights jousting and all kinds of shops. we took the scenic drive home and enjoyed the fading light as we drove through the meadows of larkspur. fun was had by all.

pied beauty

still revelling in today's beauty...

colorado's late june garden.
sunny saturday afternoon.
bare feet greeted by freshly cut grass.
peonies, dahlias, & columbine- splashes of beauty and color.
a shady cottonwood tree dappling all that rests beneath its canopy.
a slight breeze whispering in the aspen.
a wooden swing beckoning beneath.
two enjoying the comfort of each other.
talking, laughing, quietness, rest.

surely this must reflect eden.
to dwell in the beauty of a garden nourishes my soul.
thank you Father and Creator of all.

sitting beneath the slowly changing dappled light, hopkin's words come to mind.

Pied Beauty

GLORY be to God for dappled things—

For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;

For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;

Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;

Landscape plotted and pieced—fold, fallow, and plough;

And áll trádes, their gear and tackle and trim.

All things counter, original, spare, strange;

Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)

With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;

He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:

Praise him.

Gerard Manley Hopkins (1844–89). Poems. 1918.

romantic notions

these words caught my eye some time ago, and despite the fact that the words sound like something quoted from the pages of seventeen magazine (or at least what might have been written in seventeen when i was was a teenager), i simply agreed. the words ring true and call out for a modern chivalry all too easily dismissed. but somewhere along the way, such romantic notions seemed impractical, and hope waned.

the words read-

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who thinks you are just as pretty without make-up on, who holds your hand in front of his friends; wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

reading these words again tonight, i realized that they are no longer wishful words written on scrap paper in my quote folder. these words hold wisdom that i now i know to be much more than mere idealism or romantic notions.

my word to the waiting women- hold onto hope.

summer, finally

its funny how strongly i internally reacted when people would ask, "so what are you doing with your summer?" such a seemingly innocent question to a teacher who so obviously has a summer break endlessly stretching before her. and yet, to this first year teacher, its as though i've been swimming underwater and finally have the chance to come up for air. what am i doing with my summer? i'm hoping to breathe, rest, enjoy green grass, blue skies and warm sunshine, take long walks and bike rides, see people i love, and revel in the freedom of absolutely no grading or paperwork.

not that i don't love teaching, actually i find immense joy in opening up the minds of 11 and 12 year olds to shakespeare's plays and other great stories! i find delight in helping them become better writers and answering question after question in science. the growth that happens over the course of 9 and 1/2 months, and the ways my students learn to reach out to others that might be different from themselves are windows into the mystery of life and the heart within each one of us. i walked away a little wiser, hoping to begin my second year with a few changes, but also thankful for this year and those 18 who allowed me to teach them and taught me quite a bit as well.

two weeks ago i said good-bye to my first American class, and i shed more than a few tears. we spent a year together, and i had grown to love each one. i felt like i had a glimpse into the heart of a parent those last few days of school- caring so deeply for each child, and knowing that they didn't have the capacity to understand the depth of my love for them, nor the ability to return it. just a few days later i received my class list for next year, but it was too soon. although my heart wasn't ready yet for these 21 new lives, i spent some time pouring over the list and beginning to wonder about and pray for them. i began to be overwhelmed by the needs and knowing i am simply one person, one teacher among many they will have in their lifetime, and that a year is a relatively short period of time to bring about significant changes.

but in that moment i sensed God encouraging me to put the list away. it is a thing of tomorrow, not today. "don't worry about how you'll teach those kids next year, when the time comes I will help you," He said. its as though i was asking for manna for august while its still june. so i gave the list of 21 to Him. i pray for some of the names, knowing a few of the challenges that i may face, but i keep asking God to hold them for now. i want to live in today, receiving and knowing His mercy is enough for today.

and it is summer finally, both with work and the weather, and this too is His mercy.

friends who go the distance

better known as the "spice girls" dating back to our freshmen biola days, the other four (unbeknownst to me) planned to come out to colorado to speak into my life and demonstrate their care for me. at the last minute 2 of the 4 couldn't make it, but jena and caz made their way to the chilly springs and three days was hardly enough to catch up and express our thoughts on life, blogging and inerrancy. we managed a skype video chat (thanks to scott) with t and nix, and holly was significantly missed. thankful hardly begins to express my gratitude at the gift of their intention, presence, listening ears and gifts of words and encouragement that weekend.

all my love, ginger

pentacost

i came across this picture tonight

from a small, but alive church in paris with feathers hung for pentacost.

unlike the notre dame filled with tourists to see the glory of a cathedral built

by one rich man to outdo the cathedral of another,

this building pales in architectural comparison.

yet the words above the arch spoke

even to this english-speaker of the reality felt among the people present that sunday-

"Dieu est amour"

God is love.

and ken's words from sunday come to mind that perhaps pentacost

and the giving of the Spirit

turly means to be completely overwhelmed and

undone by the love of God.

i long for this pentacost.

Holy Spirit come.

Something Changed

After watching The Ultimate Gift tonight, I heard a song I'd forgotten by one of my favorite artists. The words fell on me afresh and speak perfectly of this new place of freedom I've been given...the fear has been taken out of my hands. Sara Groves says it better than I can; I cannot make it, fake it or afford it, but its mine.

Something Changed

Something changed inside me
Broke wide open all spilled out
Till I had no doubt
That something changed.

Never would have believed it
Till I felt it in my own heart
In the deepest part
The healing came.

And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine

Something so amazing in a heart so dark and dim
When a wall falls down and the light comes in.

And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine.

Thank you Lord
Thank you Lord
Thank you Lord.

Thank you LORD.

seeing the beauty

someone i know called this "the ugly bush". admittedly, from afar it seemed an unshapely cluster of brown stick branches located in front of a rather unlovely stucco house with very little in the way of leaves or green nearby. but i pride myself in finding the beauty. spring comes late to colorado, and i long for its arrival. similar to japan where sakura (cherry blossoms) spoke to me that a change of season was near, the abundant blossoms of colorado springs serve as beacons of hope that spring is close, and that summer is on its way.

girl on a bike

if weren't for the present-day cars in the backdrop, this picture might feel ageless. set back 50 years, kira still fits. her beauty - timeless, and the soul- ageless.

where would i be, or rather- who would i be without this friend who walks beside me through our joyous and tear stained moments and months? who else could share hanami with me right here, in colorado springs?

i love this girl on a bike, the tears she refuses to hide, the joy simmering in her being, and the fact that i can see God carrying her.

today's grace

came surprisingly, as perhaps it always does. a day when i felt the dark cloud of poor decision hanging over me. a guilt hangover? i had a pounding head as evidence. yet, so much grace found me today. and yes, i know undeserving defines grace and mercy. but still, like a little girl shy to look her dad in the eye when he offers a hug after she's fallen off her bike, i hesitate. embarrassed and unsure, i question forgiveness for a while. and for that pitiful reception of love, i am offered gifts i don't deserve but welcome with open eyes.

first, i discovered a petition on my desk (in the form of a letter with relatively good rationale), written by ben and signed by every student, requesting a morning recess. i found grace in that there was a lack of repetitive requests at the beginning of class. could it be that they are learning that i don't respond to clamor or shameless begging? claiming democratic process and the power of written word- i acquiesced.

at that very recess, maddie asked me to play kickball with the girls. when playing 3rd base i had to run for ball after ball, so she offered to trade spots with me. relief! we had a blast and i got a bit of fresh air and exercise.

unexpectedly another teacher commended my student joe for exceptional participation in a character education class. i usually get the opposite type of comment. a good day amidst many difficult ones for him this week (this year). later joe pulled me aside and proposed a meeting between himself, his dad and me regarding making a new goal regarding his behavior. will wonders never cease?

this friday afternoon in april i expected the highly contagious spring fever to spread among my 6th grade class, but no, instead the day proved calm, enjoyable and focused. we found our storm as we began homer's odyssey with odysseus facing poseidon and his trident in the crest of a wave...

and just before the day came to a close, sarah's mom brought three miniature schnauzer puppies to show the class. those 5 week old little pups received an outpouring of affection from my adoring class. i loved watching some of the boys whose emotions usually lie hidden beneath the surface cuddling the curly haired pups with grins on their faces. grace again.

and then as if enough grace had not already been given, scott met me for coffee at the end of this long day, offering to drive the distance to meet me at school if needed, simply to give me a hug. grace with skin on met me, listened and spoke to my soul.

more than enough.
thank you Father.

juno

after a very talkative ice cream date at maggie moo's with one

hilarious 3rd grader and her delightful 5th grade sister, i knew i couldn't top the evening. but scott and i had talked about catching a flick at the picture show. we checked out what was playing and instantly agreed on "juno" which would start in less than 30 minutes. knowing little of the story, but having heard positive acclaim from several friends, i felt confident in our choice, as we found our seats after the movie had started.

fifteen minutes in, juno had me charmed by her verbal coinage, wit, and wisdom beyond her years. the honest dialogue of her step-mom and dad through her eyes, showed their weakness, but even more a strength of character that drew me, endeared me to their "minnesotan" grit, and had me laughing throughout.

if you haven't seen "juno", you might want to stop reading now, so you won't blame me for divulging...

to me, one of the most poignant scenes of the movie happened right after juno gave birth and lay in the hospital bed exhausted. her dad looked lovingly at her and said, "someday you'll be here again, on your terms", at which point i lost it, and was practically sobbing aloud in the packed theater. moments later, the baby's dad, bleeker, runs in somehow sensing the moment had arrived. juno's dad welcomed him and gave them some space. then, without words, bleeker saw juno, and muddy sneakers and all, climbed on her bed and held her through her smiling tears for what seemed like forever.

later, as scenes from the movie replayed in my mind, this one wouldn't leave. amidst the challenge and pain juno faced for experiencing something she, at 16, wasn't ready for....i saw so much room for healing and wholeness, for juno and for bleeker, and for vanessa, the adoptive mother. then i thought of the choice so many girls quickly make "to nip it in the bud" without even telling the fathers of their little hearbeats, and it seemed to contrast so greatly to that scene, which was literally life-giving to each person in the story.

emo

is a hairstyle, apparently; a longish look popular on japanese men and short for "emotional". all of this was new to me today. the image my mind conjures up is anything but emoting, rather i see angst. but emo describes me today, and i don't mean my own long fringe (B.E. for bangs) irritating me time and again as they slip into my line of vision. rather, the weight of this week and feelings of inadequacy on several fronts try to shed themselves through tears. and for emotion, i'm thankful. the Author of life knew we needed tears and endowed them freely; perhaps he knew He would need them as well. the zen approach to rid oneself of unwanted emotions can lead to the inability to feel anything at all. and when i think of this, i thank God that my heart is moved by sadness and pain and that tears fall from my eyes. the goal is not to empty my soul of all the jumble within, but simply to offer it to my Lord.

365 and counting

one year ago today, a man waited outside in drizzling rain to meet me. a gentlemen who served me at panera bread that first date, which was only the beginning. that april day, i wasn't sure where "we" would go...no flashing lights or heavenly voice fortold the days to come. but in each encounter a depth of character was revealed to me, and new insights into this man suprised me. with his listening ear and kind strength he drew me. this man grasps grace and weeps at the love of Jesus. i find myself grateful for the way my heart opens to him, relaxes in his presence, and sees truth in new light because of his honesty. and my heart whispers to me not to let go. yet i still find myself surprised that this man loves me, but the knowing that his love is real grows deeper in me each day and responds in kind. so, here i am, 365 days of conversations, life stories, new memories, tears and laughter later--- ---still here, and counting.

icy fog

is what the weatherman calls the freezing dampness outside my window. spring fights with winter, or so it seems to me, winning on the warm, sunny mornings and blue sky'd afternoons. today winter still holds its grip by hiding the coming season from my senses. evidence of spring's presence surrounds...grass greening through the brown and snow melting after the shortest of visits. however, the gray chill captures my mind, and enforces the belief that the white witch still clutches us tightly in her grip. contrary to what may be visible...my heart knows that the kingdom of heaven has arrived and is making its way in us like yeast through the dough; it knows this as fiercely as it knows of july's inescapable heat amidst a bitter january blizzard. too many days this reality stays hidden when my heart forgets and instead believes in the story mere sight can tell of the permanence of the icy fog.



"He told them still another parable: "The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into a large amount of flour until it worked all through the dough." Jesus spoke all these things to the crowd in parables; he did not say anything to them without using a parable. So was fulfilled what was spoken through the prophet: "I will open my mouth in parables, I will utter things hidden since the creation of the world." - matthew 13:33-34

What We Need Is Here

by Wendell Berry

Geese appear high over us,

pass, and the sky closes. Abandon,

as in love or sleep, holds them to their way, clear

in the ancient faith: what we need is here.

And we pray, not for new earth or heaven, but to be

quiet in heart, and in eye,

clear. What we need is here.

atsui kohii kudasai

the wet snowy weather seemed to penetrate to my bones yesterday, and i found myself reminiscing about the "hot & cold" drink machines in japan. as scott and i watched our friend tait practice ice hockey in the cool stadium, i wanted nothing more than a warm can of 'cafe au lait' or green tea to hold between my palms.

so imagine my delight this morning when, thanks to a D-20 snow day, i had a little time to peruse flickr and discovered this photo (link below)! i wish i'd taken one myself; perhaps i did, but who knows where that negative is right now! look closely- the little red words say "atsui" which means hot, and the little blue words say "tsumetai" which means cool. just insert 130 yen in coins, and out comes the hot or cold drink of your choice. and these little machines, lit up by flourescence, serve as beacons of hope on the dark and lonely country roads in rural japan. sweet convenience! admittedly, the coffee really fails to live up to anything close to good coffee, but in your moment of need, your palate might just welcome a canned japanese version of 'cafe au lait'.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sirintira/2329641005/

to suffer with

a caveat:

i wrote this post after church, but then read kira's blog and felt mine an insignificant imitation. however, after thinking on it today, i decided to post it anyway.

today at church we stood outside with palm branches in hand, singing hosanna, and i hated it. to identify with the crowd mentality, the crowds who followed Jesus in his popularity and a mere week later joined with the jeering crowd saying "crucify him", made me cringe. i hate it, yet find it necessary to admit that this is me. too often i praise God when His gifts seem abundant, but when my person is at risk, i too have fled and failed to give voice to this man who has brought healing to me and to many i know.

in the sermon, seth illuminated the word "passion" for me, for us. even with mel gibson's movie titled "the passion of the Christ", and the week before easter often referred to as "passion week"...i still never really grasped it. but today "passion" has come alive for me. this kind of passion that means suffering. and from this suffering he comes to me.

compassion = to suffer with.

a man of many sorrows, acquainted with our grief: Jesus.
he suffers with us.

recess

today i wished that i had emulated dorothea lange, and worn my camera like an appendage. but my canon rebel without digital capabilities remains more of a purse, often worn over my shoulder, but chosen only for certain occasions. thus i have no image caught on film of a pristine moment at recess this afternoon. i spontaneously offered my sixth graders 15 minutes of extra outdoor bliss today. so why am i surprised to find myself the recipient of this gift.

as i walked around 16 kids at play, my eyes framed 3 of my students standing a top a hill, playing a carefree game of "kick the ball down the hill" to their friends waiting below. without a playground, or even the luxury of grass, improvisation becomes the game for many of our students. our playground is the fire line at the enormous high school campus that has genuinely welcomed our orphaned school this year after our mold crisis.

instead of swings, slides, and a grass field, you might see four-square drawn with a rock on the pavement, "touch" football on asphalt, or a modern game of "push each other off the rock" to see who can stand the longest. after a snow, there was "take a running start and launch yourself over the hill" to see who could land the furthest.

now the girls have devised a game of a few above and others below simply kicking the ball in both directions- of course the challenge being that those below can kick it high and far enough to reach the outstreched arms above.

no image exists in print or digital format of that glorious afternoon sky filled with silver-lined cotton clouds serving as a backdrop for three 12 year old girls silhoutted against it. and no close-up shot cemented the moment after the whistle blwe when one of these girls, blue eyed with freckles, and cheeks rosy from exercise in the cool fresh air, expressed her pure delight in the simply joy of kicking a ball so that it sails across the sky and down the hill.

recess. perhaps we should all go outside and play together for 15 minutes everyday.

examining desire

"What are you looking for?" she was asked.

"I don't know." she said.

"That's your problem - you don't know.

And so your unexamined desires rule you."

Tonight as I read back a few pages through my journal, I came across these words I had quoted from Dare to Desire, a condensed version of Journey of Desire. Three months later, they still ring true. A year ago, I identified with the girl who didn't know. In fact, that phrase often escaped my lips, and still does, though less frequently I hope. Often it followed thoughts or a voiced opinion as if to apologize for possibly knowing or having the audacity to think I might know. It was a dismissal. Last month Scott and I watched and cried through August Rush, but after the movie tears continued to stream, and I recognized in myself the immense desire to KNOW. Such knowing carried the main characters through much difficulty and even persecution; listening and true knowing of their desire and faith led them to their miracle.

Similarly, a blind man named Bartimaeus was sitting by the road begging in Jericho. Jesus and his disciples, surrounded by a large crowd, were leaving the city.

When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus.

"What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him.

The blind man said,

"Rabbi, I want to see."

"Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road. (Mark 10)

"Lord, make me a channel of your peace. Where there is hatred, may I bring love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; not so much to be understood as to understand; not to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born again to eternal life."
-Mother Teresa

tonight in watching the story of mother teresa's life, admittedly a bit idealized, her love, her perseverance to her calling, and her faith shone brightly. surmounting numerous obstacles to her work with children and the dying, "hard-pressed" from various sides, she never gave up.

"Keep the joy of loving God in your heart and share this joy with all you meet especially your family. Be holy – let us pray."

what a new take on letting the joy of the LORD be my strength. he sustained her, the nuns under the Sisters of Charity, and projects around the globe for decades. such faith and simplicity humble me. LORD, allow your joy to truly be my strength. i want to look for you in the face of every person i encounter.

to see

a window at shove chapel.

a place my eyes would

often alight during worship.

strength and grace, a portal

of light. solid stone arches,

and delicately stained glass

an unlikely pair perhaps.

let my life be filled

with such portals. may

the One who is Light dwell

in me so that i can see.

dependency

i didn't go to work today. i have a cold which is "not that bad", or so i keep repeating to myself and those nearby. however, its bad enough that i'm dependent upon a tissue box. scott called to see if i needed anything, and of all the things in the world i could have requested...another box of tissues was the only thing desired. if the distance of a room separates me from this new best friend of mine, my eye starts to tear and before i can run across the room, my nose has proceeded to drip to my chin! so now the box goes with me from room to room, and i feel a sense of comfort looking at the full white box sitting to my right. a clean white piece of paper made to feel soft as cloth sits poised, dependable and ready to meet my need. kira and i have oft admired the benefits of cloth napkins and the beauty of a dainty handkerchief over a disposable napkin or tissue. however, as ideal as a handkerchief appears for catching tears, i prefer my nasal drops to fall into this 2 layered square which i neither keep nor wash but simply dispose of and forget. truly a fair-weather friend am i in this highly conditional relationship, but since the weather has me under i feel quite attached and fond of the ever faithful kleenex.