in japanese "utsukushii" 美しい means beautiful and lends itself to the written word. beauty moves me in the tears of a friend, fills me in the color of the sky, and delights me in the laughter of my mother and the questions of children. i long to see and to be 美しい and hope this seeing and being delight my God.
Saturday, February 28
lent bothers me
on wednesday we wore ashes
a black cross of dust
that i kept smudging
bothered my eyes.
standing and kneeling
in an unfamiliar place
being reminded of my death
bothered me too.
no morning edition
no all things considered
distracted prayer
the silence bothered me.
talk of loneliness
purpose still unknown
lacking usual comforts
lent bothers me.
bothersome discomfort
pain and patterns revealed
holes become apparent
Jesus come and fill me.
lent bothers me,
and
this lent is good.
Sunday, February 15
two moons
the image lingers in my mind.
the setting? mars
the book? martian chronicles by ray bradbury
yes...it is science-fiction.
no...i never would have read it on my own, but it was in the bathroom, and i have trouble resisting pages of print.
now we are reading it together.
"scott- does mars really have two moons?" i ask, knowing that despite the fact that i am teaching astronomy and he isn't, my science minded husband will know the answer.
"yes," he replies and then adds, "phobos and....deimos, which mean fear and dread."
this is marriage...the marriage of two minds, two people. completely different histories and interests, but the two met and enjoyed the gifts the other brought to the table.
pride and prejudice meets martian chronicles. instead of two lovers set in the victorian england, i (the reader) find myself amidst various astronauts venturing into the planet mars where the martians are highly unimipressed and uniterested in the proud men from a much less sophisticated planet called earth.
the similarities are greater than i ever suspected.
so now the histories become entangled, the interests merge. a love of reading takes a new wife into her virgin voyage of sci-fi where she finds not only a story, but sees her husband in greater dimensions.
i'll keep reading.
Saturday, January 24
sweet evening
day's work complete
a meal made and shared
dinner dishes drying
time is ripe for picking
hands pass across the face
the moments wait for none
companion for life
so near we share this sacred space
yet at uneven pace
she eyes closing dreams begin
he wide awake, mind at work
but as dark falls toward sleep he goes
then she rises, woken within
soberly missing time with him
january evening
full of promise and light
for a moment the pause seems long
dusk's sun lingering
then into dark soon vanishing
Wednesday, December 31
on this last day of 2008

REFLECTIONS:
In 2008
I grew most in…letting go of fear (though its mostly just the roots growing underground in this growth department, but growth none the less.)
Another way I saw myself growing was…seeing the futility of an ulitmatum.
One of my best adventures was…falling in love.
I saw/knew God was doing something when…the fear fell away and in the words of Sara Groves "something changed".
A real gift from God was…(is) the companionship of life together with Scott in marriage.
Something I really enjoyed doing more of was…kissing. ;)
One of the happiest memories of 2008 I’d like to freeze in my mind…so many to choose from! But I would have to say, (1) one of the happiest was walking into church on April 20th, and seeing Scott worship the Lord with all of his being. In that moment I knew that I desired to spend my life beside this man and no other.
(2) Walking down the aisle and back and seeing so many incredible people who have loved me throughout my life and who blessed Scott and I by coming to our wedding.
I was really brave when…???
Something I’ve grieved about this year was…the deep wounds my friend is bravely and honestly facing while holding on to hope.
I’m still trying to learn what God wants to teach me through this hard experience…attempting to make a difference in the life of a student severely below grade level.
The best word of advice or encouragement I can remember is…from a wise woman at my shower who has been married for 25+ years. She said, "When your husband says something that can be interpreted two ways, choose to interpret it the better way."
One thing I’m looking forward to in 2009 is…learning what it means to be a fun wife, hiking more often, and hopefully snowshoeing!
Monday, December 1
betting the farm
just over 2 weeks ago, scott and i vowed our lives to each other for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, till we are parted by death. weighty promises, as they should be. the wedding deserves its own post, but i can't seem to capture it in this space. it is set apart as a day when we found ourselves surrounded by all of these amazing people we call our friends, family and community, who came to stand with us as we made these vows, to witness our ceremony and to celebrate with us afterwards. pictures and words can only offer glimpses into the love, hope and blessing that i felt covered and surrounded by.
almost a year ago, i was still deeply weighing this decision to enter into a deeper relationship with scott. as i sought the wisdom of many friends, counselors and authors, one image took up residence in my mind. the author described marriage akin to "betting the farm", meaning that two people making such promises is a huge, risky jump into the unknown. further they went on to suggest that when making vows like those written above, no one can really know what they are promising to. the future remains uncertain. like betting the farm (one's entire life), the expansiveness of the endeavor can't be underestimated, however the people doing the betting had better have a pretty good idea that they are betting on something solid.
it was this idea that helped me realize that if i did want to enter into the realm of marriage, i too would have to take that jump. a few months later, God freed me from the fears holding me back and opened my eyes to see that indeed scott was the man with whom i wanted to "bet the farm". so bet we did, trusting that as we have jumped into the unknown, God will carry us.
Friday, October 10
showered!
two sunday afternoons ago, a few astounding women whom i consider it a gift to count among my friends showered me lavishly with beauty, delicious food, gifts, and time with so many people i love to celebrate my upcoming marriage to scott.
(below: jeanette, wendy, kira & heather)family and friends surrounded me with their presence, laughter and conversation. my friend laura from church opened up her picturesque downtown victorian home to host the party, and the four hostesses thought of every detail.
the table was laden with gorgeous roses, savory bites of bruschetta, olives, various cheeses and crackers. and then i had to get a second plate to hold dessert! and the roses stole the show.
like the day, the weather gave its best warm fall showing with a clear blue colorado sky--truly idyllic.
for the sweet tooth, there were scones and cream, a mouth-watering italian lemon cake, tiered cupcakes and strawberries, and oh so much more. (above: lisa, laura & brooks)
weddings bring not only two people, but two families together. here i am with my mom and my mom-to-be, scott's mom, nancy ott.
its so funny how at certain events or times in your life the rules change. at what other moment in your life do your friends throw you a party just to give you cute underwear? similarly, at a shower it is considered completely normal for friends and family to help you set up your home and kitchen for you! such moments are short lived, so i will relish in them.
sign reads: "Hope you have a good life with Scott.- Love, Abby"
(me too)
Wednesday, August 6
welcome to seattle
spice girls reunion- part 2. sarah caz welcomed holly & i to her cute westlake seattle abode. we enjoyed playing in the park and then a tasty lunch at her local diner on lake union. as mars hill student body prez and student, she keeps busy, but made time for us!
scott and i had a phenomenol time! being engaged made it sparkle, no doubt, but the time with old friends for me, and new for him was rich for us both. kristy & todd made us feel right at home even with a 6 week old new to their world. Friday, July 25
Engaged!
Not wanting the mystery to end, Scott would not tell Beth where they were going to dinner until it became quite obvious that they were headed straight for the Broadmoor!
They arrived at 7pm and everything was covered in evening sunlight. Hanging baskets and daylilies offered their blooms, swans glided across the lake and Scott ushered Beth through the gorgeous grounds to the South Tower where we headed up to the Penrose Room. The "Ott Party" was seated at a corner table by a wall of windows with a view of the lake and the mountains at sunset.Wednesday, July 16
the duty of liberty
http://www.hbo.com/films/johnadams/
wow.
i'm still feeling sick from the tumultous sea voyage from massachusettes to paris.
and for all of my idealism about conserving, writing letters with pen & paper, growing one's own food and not using the a/c, i found myself quite distressed by the vividly harsh realities of 1777 living, travel, illness and difficulty of communication. i feel incredibly thankful for warm houses, running water, airplanes that make international travel quick by comparison, email and telephones.
so far the mini-series has offered this beautiful portrayal of the love, friendship and mutual listening and respect between husband and wife through john and abigail adams. yet even this amazing love could not keep john from his duty to his country in the making. such duty which continued as he became the 2nd president of the United States of America.
as he said, "Our obligations to our country never cease but with our lives."
obligation. duty. true patriotism.
duty seems such a foreign word to america now, and yet the founding fathers made immense sacrifices in its name. in his own words,
"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain."
and here 200 years later i have such rights to study anything i may desire because men and women like john and abigail adams chose duty over their own personal interests. because great men used their power and influence to write lasting documents like the Declaration of Independence and our Constitution which speak of the equality of humankind and trust in a Sovereign God, my life and freedom are protected in numerous ways.
but i live with this gift and forget the sacrifice so many made on my behalf. i may take a few moments here or there to consider my government, especially in an election year, but feel little obligation.
i'm thankful for this reminder of the duty of liberty.
as i enjoy the benefits may i not forget the shedding of blood, prayer and tears that made it so.
Thursday, July 10
read aloud
my friend recently returned from a 2-week stint at l'Abri in minnesota where she "detoxed from all things electronic" and enjoyed the gentle rythm of work, study and community. while there, she enjoyed this simple form of evening entertainment and initiated this evening of a read aloud.
several hours and chapters later, i walked away enriched. enriched by the power of a story and the glimpse into lives lived well. unlike the end of a movie where the transition back to reality feels jolting, i easily slipped back into my own life and thoughts, though my imagination was awakened to beautiful scenes and images conjured up by simply good writing.
who knew all this could be found in a read aloud?
Tuesday, July 8
the 6th of july - for the love of freedom & fireworks
"When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just Powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new guards for their future security — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. — The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States...."
Thursday, July 3
das leben der anderen
"das leben der anderen" brought to my attention the harsh austerity and the exacting, lifeless existance of stasi infomers like captain gerd wiesler embedded in the secret world of the german secret police. in that world, trust seemed an impossibility. but amidst the normalcy of betrayal, trust surprisingly emerged. and out of lifelessness, hope quietly surfaced without glory or fame, and only a fingerprint to its name. though mercy may appear weak, it holds the power of redemption.
Sunday, June 29
ye olde renaissance festival
Saturday, June 21
pied beauty
colorado's late june garden.
sunny saturday afternoon.
bare feet greeted by freshly cut grass.
peonies, dahlias, & columbine- splashes of beauty and color.
a shady cottonwood tree dappling all that rests beneath its canopy.
a slight breeze whispering in the aspen.
a wooden swing beckoning beneath.
two enjoying the comfort of each other.
talking, laughing, quietness, rest.
surely this must reflect eden.
to dwell in the beauty of a garden nourishes my soul.
thank you Father and Creator of all.
sitting beneath the slowly changing dappled light, hopkin's words come to mind.
Pied Beauty
GLORY be to God for dappled things—
For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;
For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;
Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;
Landscape plotted and pieced—fold, fallow, and plough;
And áll trádes, their gear and tackle and trim.
All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:
Praise him.
Thursday, June 19
romantic notions
the words read-
"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who thinks you are just as pretty without make-up on, who holds your hand in front of his friends; wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."
reading these words again tonight, i realized that they are no longer wishful words written on scrap paper in my quote folder. these words hold wisdom that i now i know to be much more than mere idealism or romantic notions.
my word to the waiting women- hold onto hope.
Saturday, June 14
summer, finally
not that i don't love teaching, actually i find immense joy in opening up the minds of 11 and 12 year olds to shakespeare's plays and other great stories! i find delight in helping them become better writers and answering question after question in science. the growth that happens over the course of 9 and 1/2 months, and the ways my students learn to reach out to others that might be different from themselves are windows into the mystery of life and the heart within each one of us. i walked away a little wiser, hoping to begin my second year with a few changes, but also thankful for this year and those 18 who allowed me to teach them and taught me quite a bit as well.
two weeks ago i said good-bye to my first American class, and i shed more than a few tears. we spent a year together, and i had grown to love each one. i felt like i had a glimpse into the heart of a parent those last few days of school- caring so deeply for each child, and knowing that they didn't have the capacity to understand the depth of my love for them, nor the ability to return it. just a few days later i received my class list for next year, but it was too soon. although my heart wasn't ready yet for these 21 new lives, i spent some time pouring over the list and beginning to wonder about and pray for them. i began to be overwhelmed by the needs and knowing i am simply one person, one teacher among many they will have in their lifetime, and that a year is a relatively short period of time to bring about significant changes.
but in that moment i sensed God encouraging me to put the list away. it is a thing of tomorrow, not today. "don't worry about how you'll teach those kids next year, when the time comes I will help you," He said. its as though i was asking for manna for august while its still june. so i gave the list of 21 to Him. i pray for some of the names, knowing a few of the challenges that i may face, but i keep asking God to hold them for now. i want to live in today, receiving and knowing His mercy is enough for today.
and it is summer finally, both with work and the weather, and this too is His mercy.
Monday, May 19
friends who go the distance
Tuesday, May 13
pentacost
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i long for this pentacost.
Holy Spirit come.
Friday, May 9
Something Changed
Something Changed
Something changed inside me
Broke wide open all spilled out
Till I had no doubt
That something changed.
Never would have believed it
Till I felt it in my own heart
In the deepest part
The healing came.
And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine
Something so amazing in a heart so dark and dim
When a wall falls down and the light comes in.
And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine.
Thank you Lord
Thank you Lord
Thank you Lord.
Thank you LORD.




